Fighting Like A Girl

Okay, so I absolutely love this song by Bomshel. I used to hate the group because I thought they were stupid (crap if you heard Bomshel Stomp you know what I mean). Well anyways, I just had a really bad night. I don't want to go into it really. I'm just honestly hurt right now. Anyways, I have this song on repeat right now. Its making me feel a little bit better.

Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them

She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.
So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "the cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "this is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this"

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight
Like a girl

1 Year Ago

(I stole this from my CW post. But I feel like it needs to be written other places)

1 Year Ago, I visibly noticed the end of my marriage. I can't, of course, pinpoint the day he cheated. I can't pinpoint the day things really went wrong. But last year he was supposed to be home by July 4th. When it came close to 4th of July and we had no date, things fell apart. We started fighting about everything. We pretended like things were okay. They weren't. The other woman started writing him letters. And his affection switched. I pretended to you guys that everything was fabulous and I was looking forward to him coming home. The truth? I wasn't. I knew when he came home we were going to have some pretty big knock out blow outs. Did I think it would ever come to this? The thought crossed my mind. I did send a few messages to people about it. But I never thought it would happen. I thought we were tough. I thought that we could make it. We had a day and a half where things were good. We went to bed and held each other all night. I woke up the next morning, completely awestruck that he was finally laying next to me. 2 deployments, 15 months, he was home and we didn't know for how long, but he was next to me. And that was all that mattered. We spent the second day in the house talking about his deployment. About the things he couldn't tell me over the phone. And we went to my parents for dinner. The next morning was the beginning of the end. He wanted to go to her house for a BBQ. I didn't. I didn't think it was fair that I was expected to go to her house when I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around her. He went anyways. The next day we got in a fight in naval hospital. His friend had surgery. And we were picking him up. We fought about, what else, her. And then he wanted me to get his friends medicine. Which idk how I felt about it. But, I didn't want to get it. It was the end. The very visible end. I think his friend knew. We were fighting like it was cool.

I don't remember where it went from there. Its all a big blur. I felt like I was tumbling head first down a hill and I couldn't stop. It felt as if anything that could go wrong would go wrong, Murphy's Law. I pushed. I pushed to fix it. I pushed to do anything he wanted. I cleaned. I cooked. I did everything he asked. I even invited her over. But it didn't work. The fighting got worse. He came home less and less. I don't know where he was staying. He told me once, his friends down in San Diego. Other than that he never told me. I still tried to put on a happy face. I didn't tell too many people what was going on. I think at this point you guys were clued in. But I don't remember how much I told you. There were very few people who knew the extent of everything. I was embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, betrayed and depressed. I didn't want people to know what I was going through. It was, thus far in my life, the darkest hour. Its what has made me who I am, a year later. It was a very defining moment in my life.

To this day I still hurt. I have come a long way, but I hurt. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have flashbacks (not in the PTSD way, but I just start remembering). I wonder why. What did I do wrong? There are moments I feel like I did something wrong and God is punishing me. Though, I know that is not true. I know that God isn't punishing me. I actually wonder if he was saving me, from being miserable. There are times when I wonder why I keep getting short changed, but everything goes his way. But I know its going to come back around to him. I will probably write something like this in about 2 months, when its about the time I moved out on him. Its a really weird feeling. And I don't even know why I am writing this. I feel like I need to tell someone these things. Someone who went through it with me. Someone who maybe has a little more grasp on what happened, then most people do.
I owe some people a few thank you's. I really don't want to forget anyone. But so so so many people helped me that I may forget specific instances and I'm really sorry for that!

Hannah: First and foremost, I wouldn't have made it through all this without you. Without wine, without somersaults and guitar hero and the MTV awards. Without long walks and laughs and missing work. You came running when I needed a translator, you told me about what fell out of the trash, you met me in the driveway with wine. If you hadn't been at the mall with me that day, I don't know if I would have ever moved out. You gave me the strength I needed to do what was best for me. Thank you for crying with me, and when my hysteria got the best of me, for cracking up with me. Thank you for knowing exactly why I was laughing, without needing to be told. I wasn't kidding when I told you that I don't think I would have survived this if it weren't for you. I truly love you. And I will forever cherish you.

Ashley K: You have been an amazing friend. You and Sean understood when Hannah and I couldn't come up, that I had to move. You chatted late at night with me, you helped me attempt to figure it out. Words cannot express how understanding and awesome both you and Sean have been.

Diana: Though I'm not sure you remember, You helped when I started noticing things getting bad. You gave me the best advice. You are the reason I tried so hard. And that makes you part of the reason I have gotten so strong through all this.

Amanda S. and Cassie: Thank you so so so much for talking to me late at night, for allowing me to randomly text you, when I needed someone to vent to.

If I missed you, please please let me know. Those few months are such a blur that I don't remember exactly what happened. And if you read all this, kudos to you! I don't expect responses. I just had a lot of gratitude to express to you ladies for getting me through this last year. Words do not describe how thankful I am. I am truly at a point in life where I am very happy with the relationships I have.

Tonight I played volleyball for the first time in 3 years. I have never felt more alive. More like myself. I really feel like I am starting to go full circle.

Thank You.

Stagecoach, etc.

I fail. Plain and simple. I fail at writing.

I'm not even gonna post what's happened since my last post. Mostly cause I don't remember.

As of Thursday, I thought my divorce was finalized. As of about 15 minutes ago, I have decided differently. I got a paper in the mail Friday that I read over today. Google comes in handy. I feel like I have an uphill climb.

Enough of that. Let's recap with some pictures!

The weekend of April 25-26 I went to a two day country concert in Indio, California, called Stagecoach.
For what its worth: Miranda Lambert and Kid Rock

It was a good weekend. I made a ton of new friends. Who are awesome. And it really reminded me why I am glad that we are getting divorced. We would have NEVER done something like this cause he hated country.

There are big things on the horizon for me. I will try to post more on that tomorrow. When I have more info. Fingers crossed and prayers please! Its finally time I did something in my life, and this is huge for me!

Miss Me?

Hello World! Did you forget me? Did you miss me? I know I've been absent for a while and I never did fully elaborate on that last post.

That last post meant I was gonna give someone a chance. I had been putting this kid off and putting him off. I did NOT want to give him a chance. But I did it. I hung out at his house and watched a movie. Ooops. That was a bad idea. But lets give him another chance. In fact I set him up for 3 chances, a Tuesday, a Wednesday and a Thursday night. I went over there Tuesday night. We watched Full Metal Jacket. I had never seen it before. A lot of talking. Oops. Okay, I'll open up to this kid. Wednesday, he cancels. Shit. Thursday, he calls me as I am getting off work and wants to go to a bar. Um, no. So he cancels. Shit. At this point, I was more than frustrated. Friday, didn't hear from him until he called C when we were at the bar. I answered her phone. It was interesting, we ended up getting into an arguement cause he hung up on me.

But that same night, I was drinking away because frankly I was pissed. They took my cell phone away (they being K and C). I ended up talking to this guy all night. We'll call him J. He was really nice. Going through the same things that I have been through. I was actually my drunkest that night, so why he put up with it, I don't know. But anyways, he got my number- somehow. He texted me the next day. Super sweet guy. We have a lot in common. He invited me to Stagecoach (http://stagecoachfestival.com/). Of course I am stoked to go. We went on a date Sunday. It was nice. Its been really nice having someone who actually cares about me.

Thursday was a very defining day in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but heres why. I went bowling with C and her boyfriend. J came with us as well. Then we all went to a bar on base. I had a feeling this might turn out bad, the first guy frequents there as do the brothers. So C got in the door first and scoped the bar. She turns and says "I'm clear!" And turns back and says "oh, you're not." YUP he was there. Lemme tell you a little something about him. He's very ominuous. Well, he sees me walk in with J and he's not too happy about it. I'm sorry, where was it written that I am dating only you? Didn't think so. Well, he stares J down. Fun. We all (C, boyfriend, me and J) go outside.He is out there. Great. He wants to talk to me. Even better. I decided why not, might as well calm this situation now. He starts telling me how he has these feelings for me, and it pissed him off seeing me walk in there with another guy. Oh, and he wanted to put his fist through J's jaw. Great. The best I could manage was "hit him and I am done, for good." He tells me "no promises." Good fun. lol. Have I ever mentioned how awesome my friends are? Boyfriend actually took me aside and told me to stick with J. That the other is no good and just drama. I noticed. But really, this was the first day I met the boyfriend, so for him to take me aside like that was huge to me. Anyways, the whole bar was trying to calm him down and not let him fight. And there were some amazing people talking to me that night. Of course none better than C who played referee all night. But we all had fun. At the end of the night, I was dancing (a little intoxicated) and he comes up to me. "Let's talk." No. I am dancing. "Come here let's talk." No I am dancing. "Its now or never." NO! I am dancing. Of course I pissed him off. He walks away, as I am watching him stare J down. And then I see a rush of people follow him out to smoke. Hmmm... Later after I was done dancing, he comes up to me and says
What you just did shows me a lot. Don't call me, don't text me, don't talk to me." I looked him square in the eye and said "no problem, I'm done." And walked away.

I do feel bad for doing it so meanly. But at the same time, dude is nothing but dramaaaa. And J is an amazing guy and I look forward to getting to know him better.

I'll write later on last night, but I'm about to get off work. Oh and did I mention I have bronchitis?

She's Country

I've been into Jason Aldean sice "Amarillo Sky" came out. Now, he will be here in 2 weeks. And I will be there. Who is Jason Aldean?

THAT is Jason Aldean

I could stare at that face forever. Anyways, I now have the urge to get cowboy boots. And a cowboy hat. I found some boots yesterday
But I don't have $90 just lying around. So, I am ChaChaing for the money. I'm at $82 or something right now. I need $18 by the 15th in order to get my direct deposit. I think I should be able to do it. I need to find a cute hat too. Any ideas?

I'm certainly not country. But I'm as country as it comes for San Diego I think. And for the first time in a long time, I feel happy. I feel like who I am and who I am supposed to be. And that is why I am taking this and running.

There isn't much to report on any other front. I wish I could show you a picture of the new man crush. But that would be totally stalkerish. CW is down. I don't know what we are all gonna do. We sorta get lost when that happens haha.

This made my week

I'm not one of those girls who will believe anything a guy tells her. Let me start there.
Last night I was out with Cyndi and Sarah. We were all in bad moods. Sarah had every reason to be. Cyndi did too. Me, not really. I think theirs just rubbed off on me. I had a moment when all I needed to do was seethe. So I walked out with Cyndi and took a cigarette. No I am not a smoker. I smoke when I drink. I wasn't drinking. I just needed to relax. There were these two guys standing next to us, but it wasn't anything, they just happened to be there. I was talking to Cyndi and moving my arms to talk and I flung my arms back, and sure enough- burned some guys hand. I felt like the biggest asshat (yes the word is actually relevent here)around. I made sure the guy was okay, and when he talked he had a Brittish accent. We thought he was faking. Turns out the two guys standing next to us were with him. He starts talking to his friend about the girl that burnt him (while standing next to me mind you). His friend had an Irish accent. We totally thought they were faking. Asked them all sorts of questions, including "why are you in America, and at the Stampede?" They told us they were in the British Navy and here for 2 weeks for a sky diving class. Bull shit. We let them know that we 100% believed that they were lying to us and that their accents were fake. But we still talked to them, they were cute.

After a while, I decided the lie was getting old and asked to see an ID to prove that they weren't from America. Damn. "British Royal Navy" was all I saw at first. Shit. They were telling the truth. That made them all the cuter. So we get to talkin. I bullshit Owen, the guy from Ireland. We were talking about Irish heritage. I Tell him that I have the most Irish name of Cyndi and Sarah. I do. Legally. Then Sarah told him not to believe me and it was my divorced name lol. True. But then I say but my first name is Colleen. Nothing makes me smile more than an Irish man telling me "Thats a good Irish name." I kinda felt like saying "well no shit." But I didn't. An American girl with an Irish name like the (it means literally "Irish Girl").

We were all out talking. And Sarah comes in to tell us that "God Bless Texas" is on. Gotta dance. Shit. The boys. So we invite them in and tell them we will teach them to dance. They took us up on it. But when we got in the song was over. Another song came on. I didn't know this one. Owen, Alex (the british guy) and I tried to learn it. I think I heard "This isn't dancing" over and over. lol.

They are in town for 2 weeks, so I told them they had to come back next weekend. We'll see if they do. But either way, I met a handful of guys (we met more later on) from the British Royal Navy. All because I burnt one with a cigarette.

I feel weird.

For the last two-ish years of my life I have tried to rush through. Every day was 1 day gone, every week was another week down. Just to get to the end of a deployment. And I've found that, once you've changed the way you life your life so dramatically, its hard to go back. I don't even remember how I used to live, when I didn't hurry up and rush. During deployments I would use PostSecret to get through the week. Every Saturday night/ Sunday morning I would head over and look at the new secrets. It felt like ahh another week done. And it was an accomplishment. Last night I checked PostSecret and it was weird to me.
I have these realizations every now and then. Its like oh yea, Chris is gone. I had that last night looking at PostSecret. Only this time, it was "you're not rushing to get through a deployment, you now have to live life alone." I felt so weird about it all. Logically, I know he's gone. I know our marriage is over. And I'm totally fine with that. But its just the little things I used to do while waiting, and I need to get used to that. Reading PostSecret now is just that, reading PostSecret. Watching Grey's is just that. Life has become an endless cycle and no more rushing. And, honestly... I'm not sure what to do with that.

Amanda's advice

Amanda gave me some good advice. And I will call it my grown up lesson for the week.

Don't make out with random boys then. Learn their names first.

ouch. But a very good point.

Grown Up Lessons Weekend 2

Its called going out and having fun.
I've never really been the go out kinda girl. I'm the girl you take home to mom (though a few people may beg to differ after this weekend).
Let me start this post with a personal message. The person this is to (if she reads this, and I'm sure she will) knows who its to. I knew that there was a chance I would see you there, and I dealt with that in advance. Yes I saw you. Like you said we coulda made drama about it all, but instead we just let it all go. Its not worth ruining our nights because we had a falling out. It happens. I was having a good time, just as it seemed you were too.
Now that the word vomit and conscious are out of the way...
I had plans to go out on Friday night with some people, but unfortunately that fell through. So I was invited to go to Stampede with some girls from high school that I literally have not seen since high school. But the funny thing is we were pretty decent friends back then. I talked to Stef and she decided she would come with me, even if she HATED country (PS Stef I really owe you, thank you!). So we get ready and go to dinner and then end up at Stampede. I saw Sarah first thing when I walked in. Sarah was the birthday girl and one of my friends from high school that I was talking about. We found the rest of the girls that were with her and I was introduced to those I didn't know and I went to get a drink. It took sometime before I knew a dance to actually dance to. And when I went out there it alllll came flooding back. I knew how to do this! lol.
Cyndi and Sarah kinda know like everyone there, so I was being introduced to people left and right. It was fun. But let's just suffice it to say I kinda made myself known a little bit that first night as far as someone I was... spending time with? ... oops.
Cyndi texted me yesterday (Saturday) and said she wanted to go out, but since Sarah had her birthday dinner she couldn't go. I said lets go ahead and go, I live like a mile from there, she could crash at my place and I'll drive. So back we go. A little less eventful in the way of seeing people I didn't plan on seeing, but a fun night all together. I met more people, which I have a feeling I will be meeting more in the trips to come lol. I've slowly learned to step out and not be so painfully shy at first. I was in full on bitch mode last night. And as much as I would love to tell you the stories, idk who is going to stumble upon my blog, so ask me and I will tell you the story personally. Lets just say that I've learned to get my way :)
Slow music started to play and sadly for me, it was "Fall" by Clay Walker. That song breaks my heart. There is no reason really. Okay I lied there is. The first time I went to Stampede like last summer, some random guy came up to me and asked me to dance. I wasn't really comfortable with that since I was married and all. Well the song was "Fall." And it just got me really sad with Chris being gone at the time and all. So, for whatever reason, that song has a special place in my heart. Even now, after the divorce? idk.. So anyways Fall comes on. And this guy we were hanging out with asks Cyndi to dance. And there's no way anyone could know about this song, because this is the first time I have ever even told the story. So needless to say, I was stuck being sad to this song again. But I survived. Long enough to have him come ask me to dance after that. It was worth the wait. That's all I'm saying.
I had two other guys come up to me last night and ask me to dance. Cyndi and I concluded they were part of a rodeo. They weren't marines (which is usually the first instinct when there is a group of guys at a bar in san diego area) and they had on some rodeo jackets. Idk? And we two-stepped. I wish someone had a video camera. I sooo didn't know what the hell I was doing. And I knew the basic steps, but then the first one caught on that I knew what I was doing-ish and said that he was gonna complicate it. He started adding spins and twirls and dips and my two left feet kicked in. But I was cracking up the whole time cause I knew I looked ri-damn-diculous and I didn't care because I was out there and having fun lol.
It was a good weekend. I learned a few things (which is totally how I wanna start ending my posts)
1. I need to stop being so painfully shy
2. The line "Here's my number call me when your sober" is a good way to weed through the men.
3. Even though your shoes are cute, they will probably hurt.
4. Get to the bar early enough and even the DD can have a drink or two.
5. When its line dancing, even I can pull it off :)

Grown Up Lessons

I went out last night. I've been out before. But as Colleen C. The married girl. But last night for the first time it was Colleen P. The unmarried and single. I didn't want to go out originally. But Stef talked me into it. We went to a bar in my hometown to watch her dad's band (I've been watching her dad play since like 7th grade!). Stef is a dance teacher so being with her just made me look good. Even though I can't dance and its taken her 13 years to get me on a dance floor (I can't believe I am old enough to know someone for 13 years lol)!
I have a new rule. If you went to high school with my older brother. If I can show you a picture of his baby and you tell me how much he looks like my brother, we have no future. You're too old. Okay no you're not too old. But you knew my brother when he was nerdy. And thats slightly uncomfortable for me. There's not really gonna be much there.
I had a completely sober night. I had to work this morning. Booo. I coulda gotten drunk but thats not the point.
It was fun to just get out there and be an adult and figure out how the crazy grown up world works!

Wordle- part 2

I used my 25 things off of Facebook to do another wordle. I figure what better describes me?

Here is the Wordle

And in case you were wondering... Here is my 25 things..

1. I am so completely facebook illiterate that I didn't even know how to post this note.
2. I do nothing, I work, I stay at home, and I go visit the preggo
3. When I do get drunk, its a sight to be seen.
4. I am in the middle of a divorce.
5. I had myspace before myspace was cool
6. I don't know how to have a grown up relationship because I have never had to be in one.
7. I am utterly in love with Gilmore Girls
8. I had knee surgery in 2007. It was supposed to keep me from playing volleyball, but I played one last season before I gave it up.
9. I have had the same car for almost 5 years, but two years in the middle it wasn't mine.
10. I am crazy conservative. To the point where I don't see why we fight so hard for women's rights
11. Sean thinks I am destined to become a crazy cat lady, and sometimes I actually believe him.
12. I have two homes and one part time job and have no idea how I survive.
13. I once had a bartender tell me I was her hero, for downing a shot of soco and lime with no chaser. She continued to ask the person I was with if I was going to be okay. I was.
14. Though I hate the fact that I am getting divorced, my favorite thing to say is "I was a wife once, I do know how to do this."
15.I didn't drink until I was 21.
16. I never once got detention or suspended or anything of the like throughout school.
17. I am the girl you take home to mom.
19. I love talking about myself, but I get self conscious about it
18. I want at least 4 kids, and I have two of them named
20. I am strangely obsessed with a clean kitchen and I won't eat out of a kitchen that I don't know how/when someone cleaned it
21. I am a serial monogamous
22. I am living vicariously through Ashley but I am afraid I will see her baby more than my own nephew, only because I have the opportunity and my brother doesn't give that to me.
23. I sometimes wonder how I became an adult and if I really am.
24. I love the rain but I prefer to dress in summer clothes
25. I learn more about myself by reading things about other people and thinking "oh yea me too!!"

A happy post finally

I've had some prettttty pissed off posts lately. I'm sorry. I decided today I would do something fun...ish. How about some more photography? Remember how I pretend to do that? lol.

These are outside my parents home.

My brothers girlfriend lives with us, and for Halloween they thought it would be fun to decorate the house. Well one of the candles on the porch burned a bit too much and this is what was left lol...

VENT about my divorce!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

All through my marriage, my parents defended Chris. Everything he did was right (almost). Everything I did was wrong (again almost). If he got mad at me for spending money, he was right. I paid the bills, he was right and no one liked my budget. I *thought* my divorce meant my parents would finally be on my side. WRONG!!!!

My ID expired October 26. Chris needed to go with me to get a new one. I asked and asked and asked and he never had time. This thing or that thing (probably too busy fucking the whore!) got in the way. Finally I put my foot down and told him he had to go with me. Its not like I was asking for dinner and a movie- ITS MY DAMN ID! And what answer did I get "well I'm leaving in two days for Virginia until April." WHAT?!?!?! I knew you were leaving. But, I would have liked more than two days notice. See the problem with this was it was the beginning of January. In the beginning of January I worked 14 days in a row without a day off. I worked until 2 that Thursday and I worked from 1 until 630 that Friday. He left Saturday. He wouldn't go with me when I could. So, no ID. In the Marine Corps, no ID means no insurance. Technically I'm no longer enrolled in DEERS. And I'm getting more and more livid about this. I've tried to call his command. Wanna know what answer I got? "Ma'am are you sure he is in a unit in California?" WHAT?! YES I'm fucking sure! "Ma'am are you sure he is with us?" YES, again I am sure. I looked it up on MOL. "Ma'am he is not in our unit. You must be mistaken." EXCUSE ME?! MOL lied to me? Please. So that's a dead end.

What do my parents have to say about this? "Well maybe you shouldn't have procrastinated so long." Procrastinated?!?! I did no such thing!!! HE'S the one who wouldn't go with me! "Well you had a POA." Riiiight because using my power of attorney in the middle of a divorce would have looked good on me. My parents are taking his side.

I finally got a response from him. "Call my lawyer." Yes Chris, your lawyer has rights in the Marine Corps and they will care that I called him.

I need the CW smiley where I am banging my head on the wall!!!

A letter to the MC

To: Quantico MCB
CC: Marine Corps
Subject: My friend

Dear Marine Corps;
I know you think you are wicked awesome. And most of the time you are. You keep us safe and blah blah. But here's the thing, you took my friend away at the beginning of the month. You have no idea what that has done to me. When I married into the Marine Corps, I knew what I was getting into. I knew this would happen eventually. I always thought it would be us who moved. But Chris and I are no longer married, so newsflash to you- You DON'T run my life anymore! So give me my friend back. Please?
I've had some pretty rough days of late. I need some wine. But not just any wine. The wine that brings somersaults on. The wine that causes you to dance with the guitar hero guitar. That can only be brought on when Hannah is around.
I already blame you for taking my husband to Iraq that second time. And putting that stupid whore there with him. And I also blame you for allowing them to cohabit. Because really, I thought that was against the rules. It was the one thing I wasn't afraid about. Apparently you are a liar. I really don't need anymore reason not to like you.
Don't get me wrong, you've given me the K's. They are amazing friends. But Sean is going active, and you might take them away as well. If you do that, I will really really hate you. With as much of my soul as it is humanly possible.
Sincerely,
A very angry woman.

It's not my problem anymore

I am a conservative. I am very conservative. Don't mistake it for being a goody goody (it happens). But its more traditional than that for me. I believe things should always be traditional.

Yesterday was the end of George W. Bush's presidency and I will admit, I am sad to see him go. I always felt comfortable with him in power. I know start the gasps. But he ALWAYS gave the military significant pay raises, and he made sure they were taken care of. A new presidency leaves me unsure. While many are screaming HOPE, how do we know? Anyone can promise hope. But can he actually deliver? Time will tell.

What is driving me nuts is that so many people are comparing Obama to Lincoln and JFK and all he has done is get elected. I was reading a Fox News article about it yesterday. We have been in worse economic times. But do I wish for good things. Of course I do. Who wouldn't. But time will only tell. And while everyone reveled yesterday, did they really understand that he is not a saint. He is not God. He hasn't done anything for us yet. He may end up doing WORSE than W. Who knows.

But I can tell you that if I was Former President Bush yesterday, my first thought when I got home to Texas last night and sat on my own couch would be "It's not my problem anymore."

I miss my friend

I spent the hardest part of my life, thus far, with...and without... him, if that makes sense? He was deployed for a total of 14 months. Add on the month long training and thats 15 months. We were only married for 20 months. It was the strengthening I needed. When he left me it just made me stronger. It was the pain and the heartbreak that I needed.
I've always been super super trusting, of everyone. Its bad. I mean look at where I work- I have a tendency to believe the things THEY say. Haha and we all know thats not a good idea. And I would believe guys when they would tell me things. Now I have my guard. And it automatically goes up. You can be as sweet as you want to my face and be fuckin around behind my back. And that is what I am terrified. I sent my husband off to fight a war and instead he was fucking around. So think about it. I think I am justified to be afraid.
I miss Hannah. She moved to fucking VIRGINIA last week. Stupid Marine Corps. Give her back! I went shopping and I just wanted her there. Saddd. I know the MC takes people away all the time. But really... really?! NO. Who am I going to drink wine and do somersaults with? Who is going to walk with me to the PX? I drove past the main gate enterance the other day and I got so sad. She's gone. poop.
On the other hand, I have seen Ashley THREE TIMES this week. Holy hell. I don't think that has ever happened. I love her belly. I can't wait for Gunnar. I'm gonna be up there a lot more once he gets here I think.