For the last two-ish years of my life I have tried to rush through. Every day was 1 day gone, every week was another week down. Just to get to the end of a deployment. And I've found that, once you've changed the way you life your life so dramatically, its hard to go back. I don't even remember how I used to live, when I didn't hurry up and rush. During deployments I would use PostSecret to get through the week. Every Saturday night/ Sunday morning I would head over and look at the new secrets. It felt like ahh another week done. And it was an accomplishment. Last night I checked PostSecret and it was weird to me.
I have these realizations every now and then. Its like oh yea, Chris is gone. I had that last night looking at PostSecret. Only this time, it was "you're not rushing to get through a deployment, you now have to live life alone." I felt so weird about it all. Logically, I know he's gone. I know our marriage is over. And I'm totally fine with that. But its just the little things I used to do while waiting, and I need to get used to that. Reading PostSecret now is just that, reading PostSecret. Watching Grey's is just that. Life has become an endless cycle and no more rushing. And, honestly... I'm not sure what to do with that.
Knitting like a fool
7 years ago