For the last two-ish years of my life I have tried to rush through. Every day was 1 day gone, every week was another week down. Just to get to the end of a deployment. And I've found that, once you've changed the way you life your life so dramatically, its hard to go back. I don't even remember how I used to live, when I didn't hurry up and rush. During deployments I would use PostSecret to get through the week. Every Saturday night/ Sunday morning I would head over and look at the new secrets. It felt like ahh another week done. And it was an accomplishment. Last night I checked PostSecret and it was weird to me. I have these realizations every now and then. Its like oh yea, Chris is gone. I had that last night looking at PostSecret. Only this time, it was "you're not rushing to get through a deployment, you now have to live life alone." I felt so weird about it all. Logically, I know he's gone. I know our marriage is over. And I'm totally fine with that. But its just the little things I used to do while waiting, and I need to get used to that. Reading PostSecret now is just that, reading PostSecret. Watching Grey's is just that. Life has become an endless cycle and no more rushing. And, honestly... I'm not sure what to do with that.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Post the first line from the first 55 songs that play.
3. Strike through the songs when someone guesses both the song and artist correctly.
1. I like where we are
2. We were both young when I first saw you
3. 2 dollars short of a 5 dollar bill
4. Children, sleeping, snow is softly falling
5. She dresses up her children and herds them to the car, drives down to the mega-church and can’t find a place to park.
6. When I am down and all my soul so weary
7. You're in my arms and all the world is calm
8. I'm so addicted to all the things you do
9. Come my little friends
10 Yea, This song is about you
11. Superstar, where you from? How's it goin?
12. I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
13. They say life is so much sweeter
14. Don't Cry to me, if you loved me
15. County Road 233
16. Mr. DJ can I make a request?
17. I couldn't give a damn what you said to me
18. When the Moon hits your eye
19. There's something 'bout the way the street looks when its just rained
20. I'm 5 years old its getting cold out
21. I found God, on the corner of 1st and Armistad
22. Got up on the wrong side of life today
23. A waltz when she walks in the room
24. I've always needed time on my own
25. Girl you're beautiful
26. Hey step aside brother, you're blockin my view
27. They Used to make me go to church
28. We're both looking for something
29. She got her daddys tongue and temper
30. Her momma named her Daisy
31. Her daddy gave her her first pony
32. Waking Up at the start of the end of the world
33. Run your car off the side of the road
34. No Sir, Well I don't wanna be the blame
35. Normally this time of night, you wouldn't find me here
36. It took me 5 bars, some 30 license plates
37. I don't know why I left
38. We got Tennessee Moonshine, Chicken and Beer
39. You're on the phone with your girlfriend
40. He is sensible and so incredible
41. Since the day they got married
42. 'Bout 10 years old hide and seek
43. Guess this Means you're sorry
44. I might not have a million dollars in the bank
45. I remember all my life rainin down as cold as ice
46. I'm holding on your rope
47. Boy walkin' the spot he so fresh and
48. Forgive, sounds good
49. Don't walk away like you always do, this time
50. Turn the Lights off in this place
51. How can I decide whats right?
52. Its down to this, I've got to make this life make sense
53. I'm sittin on the fender of someone else's truck
54. Baby when I look at you with your hair fallin down and your baby blues
55. I got my Sight Set on you and I'm ready to aim
Its called going out and having fun. I've never really been the go out kinda girl. I'm the girl you take home to mom (though a few people may beg to differ after this weekend). Let me start this post with a personal message. The person this is to (if she reads this, and I'm sure she will) knows who its to. I knew that there was a chance I would see you there, and I dealt with that in advance. Yes I saw you. Like you said we coulda made drama about it all, but instead we just let it all go. Its not worth ruining our nights because we had a falling out. It happens. I was having a good time, just as it seemed you were too. Now that the word vomit and conscious are out of the way... I had plans to go out on Friday night with some people, but unfortunately that fell through. So I was invited to go to Stampede with some girls from high school that I literally have not seen since high school. But the funny thing is we were pretty decent friends back then. I talked to Stef and she decided she would come with me, even if she HATED country (PS Stef I really owe you, thank you!). So we get ready and go to dinner and then end up at Stampede. I saw Sarah first thing when I walked in. Sarah was the birthday girl and one of my friends from high school that I was talking about. We found the rest of the girls that were with her and I was introduced to those I didn't know and I went to get a drink. It took sometime before I knew a dance to actually dance to. And when I went out there it alllll came flooding back. I knew how to do this! lol. Cyndi and Sarah kinda know like everyone there, so I was being introduced to people left and right. It was fun. But let's just suffice it to say I kinda made myself known a little bit that first night as far as someone I was... spending time with? ... oops. Cyndi texted me yesterday (Saturday) and said she wanted to go out, but since Sarah had her birthday dinner she couldn't go. I said lets go ahead and go, I live like a mile from there, she could crash at my place and I'll drive. So back we go. A little less eventful in the way of seeing people I didn't plan on seeing, but a fun night all together. I met more people, which I have a feeling I will be meeting more in the trips to come lol. I've slowly learned to step out and not be so painfully shy at first. I was in full on bitch mode last night. And as much as I would love to tell you the stories, idk who is going to stumble upon my blog, so ask me and I will tell you the story personally. Lets just say that I've learned to get my way :) Slow music started to play and sadly for me, it was "Fall" by Clay Walker. That song breaks my heart. There is no reason really. Okay I lied there is. The first time I went to Stampede like last summer, some random guy came up to me and asked me to dance. I wasn't really comfortable with that since I was married and all. Well the song was "Fall." And it just got me really sad with Chris being gone at the time and all. So, for whatever reason, that song has a special place in my heart. Even now, after the divorce? idk.. So anyways Fall comes on. And this guy we were hanging out with asks Cyndi to dance. And there's no way anyone could know about this song, because this is the first time I have ever even told the story. So needless to say, I was stuck being sad to this song again. But I survived. Long enough to have him come ask me to dance after that. It was worth the wait. That's all I'm saying. I had two other guys come up to me last night and ask me to dance. Cyndi and I concluded they were part of a rodeo. They weren't marines (which is usually the first instinct when there is a group of guys at a bar in san diego area) and they had on some rodeo jackets. Idk? And we two-stepped. I wish someone had a video camera. I sooo didn't know what the hell I was doing. And I knew the basic steps, but then the first one caught on that I knew what I was doing-ish and said that he was gonna complicate it. He started adding spins and twirls and dips and my two left feet kicked in. But I was cracking up the whole time cause I knew I looked ri-damn-diculous and I didn't care because I was out there and having fun lol. It was a good weekend. I learned a few things (which is totally how I wanna start ending my posts) 1. I need to stop being so painfully shy 2. The line "Here's my number call me when your sober" is a good way to weed through the men. 3. Even though your shoes are cute, they will probably hurt. 4. Get to the bar early enough and even the DD can have a drink or two. 5. When its line dancing, even I can pull it off :)
I went out last night. I've been out before. But as Colleen C. The married girl. But last night for the first time it was Colleen P. The unmarried and single. I didn't want to go out originally. But Stef talked me into it. We went to a bar in my hometown to watch her dad's band (I've been watching her dad play since like 7th grade!). Stef is a dance teacher so being with her just made me look good. Even though I can't dance and its taken her 13 years to get me on a dance floor (I can't believe I am old enough to know someone for 13 years lol)! I have a new rule. If you went to high school with my older brother. If I can show you a picture of his baby and you tell me how much he looks like my brother, we have no future. You're too old. Okay no you're not too old. But you knew my brother when he was nerdy. And thats slightly uncomfortable for me. There's not really gonna be much there. I had a completely sober night. I had to work this morning. Booo. I coulda gotten drunk but thats not the point. It was fun to just get out there and be an adult and figure out how the crazy grown up world works!
I used my 25 things off of Facebook to do another wordle. I figure what better describes me?
Here is the Wordle
And in case you were wondering... Here is my 25 things..
1. I am so completely facebook illiterate that I didn't even know how to post this note. 2. I do nothing, I work, I stay at home, and I go visit the preggo 3. When I do get drunk, its a sight to be seen. 4. I am in the middle of a divorce. 5. I had myspace before myspace was cool 6. I don't know how to have a grown up relationship because I have never had to be in one. 7. I am utterly in love with Gilmore Girls 8. I had knee surgery in 2007. It was supposed to keep me from playing volleyball, but I played one last season before I gave it up. 9. I have had the same car for almost 5 years, but two years in the middle it wasn't mine. 10. I am crazy conservative. To the point where I don't see why we fight so hard for women's rights 11. Sean thinks I am destined to become a crazy cat lady, and sometimes I actually believe him. 12. I have two homes and one part time job and have no idea how I survive. 13. I once had a bartender tell me I was her hero, for downing a shot of soco and lime with no chaser. She continued to ask the person I was with if I was going to be okay. I was. 14. Though I hate the fact that I am getting divorced, my favorite thing to say is "I was a wife once, I do know how to do this." 15.I didn't drink until I was 21. 16. I never once got detention or suspended or anything of the like throughout school. 17. I am the girl you take home to mom. 19. I love talking about myself, but I get self conscious about it 18. I want at least 4 kids, and I have two of them named 20. I am strangely obsessed with a clean kitchen and I won't eat out of a kitchen that I don't know how/when someone cleaned it 21. I am a serial monogamous 22. I am living vicariously through Ashley but I am afraid I will see her baby more than my own nephew, only because I have the opportunity and my brother doesn't give that to me. 23. I sometimes wonder how I became an adult and if I really am. 24. I love the rain but I prefer to dress in summer clothes 25. I learn more about myself by reading things about other people and thinking "oh yea me too!!"
I am Colleen. I am 23 years old. This is the story of me learning how to move on, grow up, and come to terms with the circumstances in my life. Like it or love it, this is me.
