Monday, August 3, 2009

August 3rd

I hate August 3rd. A year ago Chris came home. Blech. I don't feel like reminiscing so I'm not going to. Just know. I hate August 3rd.

Jalyn and I are going back to school! yay! I know, this is like the 80th time I've gone back. I just need to figure out what the heck I am doing with my life. I'm 23. Its time to slow the fuck down and grow up. I feel I am fully recovered from this crap- emotionally at least. And I'm ready to move on. But I can't move on until I have direction. At least that is how I feel.

New job starts next week. But I have to go to an orientation tomorrow. Can I shoot myself? For real. I've worked there. I know what to do. You're making me be a bagger. Are you SERIOUS?! UGH!! But, suck it up. Money is money. I cannot wait to get everything paid off. I cannot wait to not have to stress about money. I completely plan to keep both jobs so I can get on my feet. I want to move out. I love my parents. But its getting old living here.

Be on the lookout for pictures from this weekend. Drunky (not me) had the camera and she took like a million pictures. This should be good.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wish List Wednesday

I thought since it was 1 am that I was posting this wayyyy earlier than Jennifer (The Foster Family) and therefore I wouldn't have the link. Ahhh but she beat me to it and already posted hers and a link!

Okay so here we go.

1. Amanda reminded me last week that I need to take a trip to Florida. I can't believe I forgot to post that! So #1 is a trip to florida!


2. Okay, I understand he's married. I even get that he has two daughters. But, is that gonna stop me?! Ask anyone around me. I will marry this man. Haha okay that's creepy. But you might wanna keep me away from him cause whose to stop me from kissing him?? Jason Aldean :) (oh why yes, this is my cell phone wallpaper haha)


3. No credit card debt. The fact that he fucked me over when he divorced me, is killing me. I'm not even gonna post how much debt he left me in (oh and he walked away from it all!) but lets just say I'm 23 and getting away from it isn't even an option right now- there's a reason I have two jobs.


4. Teeeechnically this is stolen. But, I've been thinking all night how bad I need a massage. Volleyball is kicking my ass right now :(


5. And because I have the patience of a 5 year old. I wish New Moon would come out already. You can only read books so many times before you want to see the movie... rather Rob Pattinsons face.


Oh and I have no idea if that's an official poster or not. I had never seen it before and so I figured why not?

Volleyball on Tuesdays

Yes. I have been back to playing volleyball for the past 4 weeks now. I can safely say that I have successfully forgotten how to play. No. I didn't forget the rules or the basics. In fact, most of it came back- covering the block, my (amaaaaaazing) jump serve, setters hands. But explain to me why I have THE WORST timing I have ever seen in my life? No, I'm down there with the 14 year olds I used to coach (well I subbed for their coach, I had the 16 year olds). I hit like 90% today WITH MY FOREARM!!! WTH?! Okay, giving myself a bit of a break, it was a guys net and there were 4 of us so I was tired. But really?? I've NEVER done that, not even when I was 10 and just starting. Hitting has never been a challenge for me, it just came naturally. Sooo again, I repeat MY FOREARM?! Arg... Whatever, my college days are over, and tonight made that absolutely clear. But I'm playing in the Palomar Alumni Game in August. Back on a girls net. We'll see if that goes any better.
I got a second job. I'm back to working at the Vons I used to work at. I'm excited to be back. I missed the people there. They are amazing.
Other than all that, life has been slightly uneventful. And I am okay with that. The divorce is final very soon. And right now, that's all I can ask for.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Fighting Like A Girl

Okay, so I absolutely love this song by Bomshel. I used to hate the group because I thought they were stupid (crap if you heard Bomshel Stomp you know what I mean). Well anyways, I just had a really bad night. I don't want to go into it really. I'm just honestly hurt right now. Anyways, I have this song on repeat right now. Its making me feel a little bit better.

Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them

She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.
So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "the cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "this is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this"

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight
Like a girl

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wish List Wednesday

I'm going to try to start doing wishlist Wednesday every day...

1. An Ipod Touch. I don't have an ipod at all. Sad right? I don't want an iphone because I just got my new blackberry and I am in love. But I really really want an ipod touch.


2. A new windshield. Mine is cracked something fierce. And some of us don't make very much money. So it goes on the list lol. (this isn't my car lol)
2004 camry Pictures, Images and Photos

3. This man. He is amazingly beautiful
Rob Pattinson Pictures, Images and Photos

4. Canon Rebel. I have the film camera and I want the digital
cannon rebel t2 Pictures, Images and Photos

5. A home. Or at least somewhere to live thats not with my parents. I love my parents, but it gets annoying.
house Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, July 13, 2009

Biggest Loser

I've started doing CW's Biggest Loser again. I need to stick with it this time. In a week I lost 3.4 pounds. I know that isn't going to always be a typical weight loss. Once you get low enough it gets harder. But I'm trying. I've become increasingly unhappy with how I look and what I weigh.
Every week there are food challenges and exercise challenges. This week it is to drink half your body weight (in ounces) in water. Which means I'm drinking 94 ounces of water every day. Thats a ton! But I think its attainable. I'm taking a page from Suz Steece at Steece's Pieces and carrying around the same water bottle all day and just refilling it. I might add the crystal light packets like she was (is?) doing too. I think if I don't think about it, it will be easy.
As far as exercise goes, I've been running and playing volleyball really. Nothing exciting and nothing too new. I played volleyball for like ever. From 5th grade until my second year in college. I took a few years off, playing intermitently. I recently got in contact with an old friend from high school and he got me to play in a volleyball league with him. So Cyndi and I have been doing that for 2 weeks now. I am in heaven. I have missed volleyball so so much. I'm a bit rusty though. If I could remember how to jump it would be nice. Haha okay thats a joke. I can jump just not as high as I was once able to. Its so nice to be back though. I love it.
I've never really been huge on running. Though, when I had to I've always been pretty decent at long distance running. I'm still really out of it. I can't even make it a full freaking mile without stopping. But again, slowly but surely.
I believe Biggest Loser is 12 weeks, and in that 12 weeks I would like to loose 20 pounds. It would be nice if I could get that close. I'll keep you updated <3

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

1 Year Ago

(I stole this from my CW post. But I feel like it needs to be written other places)

1 Year Ago, I visibly noticed the end of my marriage. I can't, of course, pinpoint the day he cheated. I can't pinpoint the day things really went wrong. But last year he was supposed to be home by July 4th. When it came close to 4th of July and we had no date, things fell apart. We started fighting about everything. We pretended like things were okay. They weren't. The other woman started writing him letters. And his affection switched. I pretended to you guys that everything was fabulous and I was looking forward to him coming home. The truth? I wasn't. I knew when he came home we were going to have some pretty big knock out blow outs. Did I think it would ever come to this? The thought crossed my mind. I did send a few messages to people about it. But I never thought it would happen. I thought we were tough. I thought that we could make it. We had a day and a half where things were good. We went to bed and held each other all night. I woke up the next morning, completely awestruck that he was finally laying next to me. 2 deployments, 15 months, he was home and we didn't know for how long, but he was next to me. And that was all that mattered. We spent the second day in the house talking about his deployment. About the things he couldn't tell me over the phone. And we went to my parents for dinner. The next morning was the beginning of the end. He wanted to go to her house for a BBQ. I didn't. I didn't think it was fair that I was expected to go to her house when I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around her. He went anyways. The next day we got in a fight in naval hospital. His friend had surgery. And we were picking him up. We fought about, what else, her. And then he wanted me to get his friends medicine. Which idk how I felt about it. But, I didn't want to get it. It was the end. The very visible end. I think his friend knew. We were fighting like it was cool.

I don't remember where it went from there. Its all a big blur. I felt like I was tumbling head first down a hill and I couldn't stop. It felt as if anything that could go wrong would go wrong, Murphy's Law. I pushed. I pushed to fix it. I pushed to do anything he wanted. I cleaned. I cooked. I did everything he asked. I even invited her over. But it didn't work. The fighting got worse. He came home less and less. I don't know where he was staying. He told me once, his friends down in San Diego. Other than that he never told me. I still tried to put on a happy face. I didn't tell too many people what was going on. I think at this point you guys were clued in. But I don't remember how much I told you. There were very few people who knew the extent of everything. I was embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, betrayed and depressed. I didn't want people to know what I was going through. It was, thus far in my life, the darkest hour. Its what has made me who I am, a year later. It was a very defining moment in my life.

To this day I still hurt. I have come a long way, but I hurt. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have flashbacks (not in the PTSD way, but I just start remembering). I wonder why. What did I do wrong? There are moments I feel like I did something wrong and God is punishing me. Though, I know that is not true. I know that God isn't punishing me. I actually wonder if he was saving me, from being miserable. There are times when I wonder why I keep getting short changed, but everything goes his way. But I know its going to come back around to him. I will probably write something like this in about 2 months, when its about the time I moved out on him. Its a really weird feeling. And I don't even know why I am writing this. I feel like I need to tell someone these things. Someone who went through it with me. Someone who maybe has a little more grasp on what happened, then most people do.
I owe some people a few thank you's. I really don't want to forget anyone. But so so so many people helped me that I may forget specific instances and I'm really sorry for that!

Hannah: First and foremost, I wouldn't have made it through all this without you. Without wine, without somersaults and guitar hero and the MTV awards. Without long walks and laughs and missing work. You came running when I needed a translator, you told me about what fell out of the trash, you met me in the driveway with wine. If you hadn't been at the mall with me that day, I don't know if I would have ever moved out. You gave me the strength I needed to do what was best for me. Thank you for crying with me, and when my hysteria got the best of me, for cracking up with me. Thank you for knowing exactly why I was laughing, without needing to be told. I wasn't kidding when I told you that I don't think I would have survived this if it weren't for you. I truly love you. And I will forever cherish you.

Ashley K: You have been an amazing friend. You and Sean understood when Hannah and I couldn't come up, that I had to move. You chatted late at night with me, you helped me attempt to figure it out. Words cannot express how understanding and awesome both you and Sean have been.

Diana: Though I'm not sure you remember, You helped when I started noticing things getting bad. You gave me the best advice. You are the reason I tried so hard. And that makes you part of the reason I have gotten so strong through all this.

Amanda S. and Cassie: Thank you so so so much for talking to me late at night, for allowing me to randomly text you, when I needed someone to vent to.

If I missed you, please please let me know. Those few months are such a blur that I don't remember exactly what happened. And if you read all this, kudos to you! I don't expect responses. I just had a lot of gratitude to express to you ladies for getting me through this last year. Words do not describe how thankful I am. I am truly at a point in life where I am very happy with the relationships I have.

Tonight I played volleyball for the first time in 3 years. I have never felt more alive. More like myself. I really feel like I am starting to go full circle.

Thank You.