Tuesday, June 30, 2009

1 Year Ago

(I stole this from my CW post. But I feel like it needs to be written other places)

1 Year Ago, I visibly noticed the end of my marriage. I can't, of course, pinpoint the day he cheated. I can't pinpoint the day things really went wrong. But last year he was supposed to be home by July 4th. When it came close to 4th of July and we had no date, things fell apart. We started fighting about everything. We pretended like things were okay. They weren't. The other woman started writing him letters. And his affection switched. I pretended to you guys that everything was fabulous and I was looking forward to him coming home. The truth? I wasn't. I knew when he came home we were going to have some pretty big knock out blow outs. Did I think it would ever come to this? The thought crossed my mind. I did send a few messages to people about it. But I never thought it would happen. I thought we were tough. I thought that we could make it. We had a day and a half where things were good. We went to bed and held each other all night. I woke up the next morning, completely awestruck that he was finally laying next to me. 2 deployments, 15 months, he was home and we didn't know for how long, but he was next to me. And that was all that mattered. We spent the second day in the house talking about his deployment. About the things he couldn't tell me over the phone. And we went to my parents for dinner. The next morning was the beginning of the end. He wanted to go to her house for a BBQ. I didn't. I didn't think it was fair that I was expected to go to her house when I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around her. He went anyways. The next day we got in a fight in naval hospital. His friend had surgery. And we were picking him up. We fought about, what else, her. And then he wanted me to get his friends medicine. Which idk how I felt about it. But, I didn't want to get it. It was the end. The very visible end. I think his friend knew. We were fighting like it was cool.

I don't remember where it went from there. Its all a big blur. I felt like I was tumbling head first down a hill and I couldn't stop. It felt as if anything that could go wrong would go wrong, Murphy's Law. I pushed. I pushed to fix it. I pushed to do anything he wanted. I cleaned. I cooked. I did everything he asked. I even invited her over. But it didn't work. The fighting got worse. He came home less and less. I don't know where he was staying. He told me once, his friends down in San Diego. Other than that he never told me. I still tried to put on a happy face. I didn't tell too many people what was going on. I think at this point you guys were clued in. But I don't remember how much I told you. There were very few people who knew the extent of everything. I was embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, betrayed and depressed. I didn't want people to know what I was going through. It was, thus far in my life, the darkest hour. Its what has made me who I am, a year later. It was a very defining moment in my life.

To this day I still hurt. I have come a long way, but I hurt. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have flashbacks (not in the PTSD way, but I just start remembering). I wonder why. What did I do wrong? There are moments I feel like I did something wrong and God is punishing me. Though, I know that is not true. I know that God isn't punishing me. I actually wonder if he was saving me, from being miserable. There are times when I wonder why I keep getting short changed, but everything goes his way. But I know its going to come back around to him. I will probably write something like this in about 2 months, when its about the time I moved out on him. Its a really weird feeling. And I don't even know why I am writing this. I feel like I need to tell someone these things. Someone who went through it with me. Someone who maybe has a little more grasp on what happened, then most people do.
I owe some people a few thank you's. I really don't want to forget anyone. But so so so many people helped me that I may forget specific instances and I'm really sorry for that!

Hannah: First and foremost, I wouldn't have made it through all this without you. Without wine, without somersaults and guitar hero and the MTV awards. Without long walks and laughs and missing work. You came running when I needed a translator, you told me about what fell out of the trash, you met me in the driveway with wine. If you hadn't been at the mall with me that day, I don't know if I would have ever moved out. You gave me the strength I needed to do what was best for me. Thank you for crying with me, and when my hysteria got the best of me, for cracking up with me. Thank you for knowing exactly why I was laughing, without needing to be told. I wasn't kidding when I told you that I don't think I would have survived this if it weren't for you. I truly love you. And I will forever cherish you.

Ashley K: You have been an amazing friend. You and Sean understood when Hannah and I couldn't come up, that I had to move. You chatted late at night with me, you helped me attempt to figure it out. Words cannot express how understanding and awesome both you and Sean have been.

Diana: Though I'm not sure you remember, You helped when I started noticing things getting bad. You gave me the best advice. You are the reason I tried so hard. And that makes you part of the reason I have gotten so strong through all this.

Amanda S. and Cassie: Thank you so so so much for talking to me late at night, for allowing me to randomly text you, when I needed someone to vent to.

If I missed you, please please let me know. Those few months are such a blur that I don't remember exactly what happened. And if you read all this, kudos to you! I don't expect responses. I just had a lot of gratitude to express to you ladies for getting me through this last year. Words do not describe how thankful I am. I am truly at a point in life where I am very happy with the relationships I have.

Tonight I played volleyball for the first time in 3 years. I have never felt more alive. More like myself. I really feel like I am starting to go full circle.

Thank You.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I love you Colleen!!