August 3rd

I hate August 3rd. A year ago Chris came home. Blech. I don't feel like reminiscing so I'm not going to. Just know. I hate August 3rd.

Jalyn and I are going back to school! yay! I know, this is like the 80th time I've gone back. I just need to figure out what the heck I am doing with my life. I'm 23. Its time to slow the fuck down and grow up. I feel I am fully recovered from this crap- emotionally at least. And I'm ready to move on. But I can't move on until I have direction. At least that is how I feel.

New job starts next week. But I have to go to an orientation tomorrow. Can I shoot myself? For real. I've worked there. I know what to do. You're making me be a bagger. Are you SERIOUS?! UGH!! But, suck it up. Money is money. I cannot wait to get everything paid off. I cannot wait to not have to stress about money. I completely plan to keep both jobs so I can get on my feet. I want to move out. I love my parents. But its getting old living here.

Be on the lookout for pictures from this weekend. Drunky (not me) had the camera and she took like a million pictures. This should be good.

Volleyball on Tuesdays

Yes. I have been back to playing volleyball for the past 4 weeks now. I can safely say that I have successfully forgotten how to play. No. I didn't forget the rules or the basics. In fact, most of it came back- covering the block, my (amaaaaaazing) jump serve, setters hands. But explain to me why I have THE WORST timing I have ever seen in my life? No, I'm down there with the 14 year olds I used to coach (well I subbed for their coach, I had the 16 year olds). I hit like 90% today WITH MY FOREARM!!! WTH?! Okay, giving myself a bit of a break, it was a guys net and there were 4 of us so I was tired. But really?? I've NEVER done that, not even when I was 10 and just starting. Hitting has never been a challenge for me, it just came naturally. Sooo again, I repeat MY FOREARM?! Arg... Whatever, my college days are over, and tonight made that absolutely clear. But I'm playing in the Palomar Alumni Game in August. Back on a girls net. We'll see if that goes any better.

I got a second job. I'm back to working at the Vons I used to work at. I'm excited to be back. I missed the people there. They are amazing.

Other than all that, life has been slightly uneventful. And I am okay with that. The divorce is final very soon. And right now, that's all I can ask for.

1 Year Ago

(I stole this from my CW post. But I feel like it needs to be written other places)

1 Year Ago, I visibly noticed the end of my marriage. I can't, of course, pinpoint the day he cheated. I can't pinpoint the day things really went wrong. But last year he was supposed to be home by July 4th. When it came close to 4th of July and we had no date, things fell apart. We started fighting about everything. We pretended like things were okay. They weren't. The other woman started writing him letters. And his affection switched. I pretended to you guys that everything was fabulous and I was looking forward to him coming home. The truth? I wasn't. I knew when he came home we were going to have some pretty big knock out blow outs. Did I think it would ever come to this? The thought crossed my mind. I did send a few messages to people about it. But I never thought it would happen. I thought we were tough. I thought that we could make it. We had a day and a half where things were good. We went to bed and held each other all night. I woke up the next morning, completely awestruck that he was finally laying next to me. 2 deployments, 15 months, he was home and we didn't know for how long, but he was next to me. And that was all that mattered. We spent the second day in the house talking about his deployment. About the things he couldn't tell me over the phone. And we went to my parents for dinner. The next morning was the beginning of the end. He wanted to go to her house for a BBQ. I didn't. I didn't think it was fair that I was expected to go to her house when I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around her. He went anyways. The next day we got in a fight in naval hospital. His friend had surgery. And we were picking him up. We fought about, what else, her. And then he wanted me to get his friends medicine. Which idk how I felt about it. But, I didn't want to get it. It was the end. The very visible end. I think his friend knew. We were fighting like it was cool.

I don't remember where it went from there. Its all a big blur. I felt like I was tumbling head first down a hill and I couldn't stop. It felt as if anything that could go wrong would go wrong, Murphy's Law. I pushed. I pushed to fix it. I pushed to do anything he wanted. I cleaned. I cooked. I did everything he asked. I even invited her over. But it didn't work. The fighting got worse. He came home less and less. I don't know where he was staying. He told me once, his friends down in San Diego. Other than that he never told me. I still tried to put on a happy face. I didn't tell too many people what was going on. I think at this point you guys were clued in. But I don't remember how much I told you. There were very few people who knew the extent of everything. I was embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, betrayed and depressed. I didn't want people to know what I was going through. It was, thus far in my life, the darkest hour. Its what has made me who I am, a year later. It was a very defining moment in my life.

To this day I still hurt. I have come a long way, but I hurt. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have flashbacks (not in the PTSD way, but I just start remembering). I wonder why. What did I do wrong? There are moments I feel like I did something wrong and God is punishing me. Though, I know that is not true. I know that God isn't punishing me. I actually wonder if he was saving me, from being miserable. There are times when I wonder why I keep getting short changed, but everything goes his way. But I know its going to come back around to him. I will probably write something like this in about 2 months, when its about the time I moved out on him. Its a really weird feeling. And I don't even know why I am writing this. I feel like I need to tell someone these things. Someone who went through it with me. Someone who maybe has a little more grasp on what happened, then most people do.
I owe some people a few thank you's. I really don't want to forget anyone. But so so so many people helped me that I may forget specific instances and I'm really sorry for that!

Hannah: First and foremost, I wouldn't have made it through all this without you. Without wine, without somersaults and guitar hero and the MTV awards. Without long walks and laughs and missing work. You came running when I needed a translator, you told me about what fell out of the trash, you met me in the driveway with wine. If you hadn't been at the mall with me that day, I don't know if I would have ever moved out. You gave me the strength I needed to do what was best for me. Thank you for crying with me, and when my hysteria got the best of me, for cracking up with me. Thank you for knowing exactly why I was laughing, without needing to be told. I wasn't kidding when I told you that I don't think I would have survived this if it weren't for you. I truly love you. And I will forever cherish you.

Ashley K: You have been an amazing friend. You and Sean understood when Hannah and I couldn't come up, that I had to move. You chatted late at night with me, you helped me attempt to figure it out. Words cannot express how understanding and awesome both you and Sean have been.

Diana: Though I'm not sure you remember, You helped when I started noticing things getting bad. You gave me the best advice. You are the reason I tried so hard. And that makes you part of the reason I have gotten so strong through all this.

Amanda S. and Cassie: Thank you so so so much for talking to me late at night, for allowing me to randomly text you, when I needed someone to vent to.

If I missed you, please please let me know. Those few months are such a blur that I don't remember exactly what happened. And if you read all this, kudos to you! I don't expect responses. I just had a lot of gratitude to express to you ladies for getting me through this last year. Words do not describe how thankful I am. I am truly at a point in life where I am very happy with the relationships I have.

Tonight I played volleyball for the first time in 3 years. I have never felt more alive. More like myself. I really feel like I am starting to go full circle.

Thank You.

Miss Me?

Hello World! Did you forget me? Did you miss me? I know I've been absent for a while and I never did fully elaborate on that last post.

That last post meant I was gonna give someone a chance. I had been putting this kid off and putting him off. I did NOT want to give him a chance. But I did it. I hung out at his house and watched a movie. Ooops. That was a bad idea. But lets give him another chance. In fact I set him up for 3 chances, a Tuesday, a Wednesday and a Thursday night. I went over there Tuesday night. We watched Full Metal Jacket. I had never seen it before. A lot of talking. Oops. Okay, I'll open up to this kid. Wednesday, he cancels. Shit. Thursday, he calls me as I am getting off work and wants to go to a bar. Um, no. So he cancels. Shit. At this point, I was more than frustrated. Friday, didn't hear from him until he called C when we were at the bar. I answered her phone. It was interesting, we ended up getting into an arguement cause he hung up on me.

But that same night, I was drinking away because frankly I was pissed. They took my cell phone away (they being K and C). I ended up talking to this guy all night. We'll call him J. He was really nice. Going through the same things that I have been through. I was actually my drunkest that night, so why he put up with it, I don't know. But anyways, he got my number- somehow. He texted me the next day. Super sweet guy. We have a lot in common. He invited me to Stagecoach (http://stagecoachfestival.com/). Of course I am stoked to go. We went on a date Sunday. It was nice. Its been really nice having someone who actually cares about me.

Thursday was a very defining day in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but heres why. I went bowling with C and her boyfriend. J came with us as well. Then we all went to a bar on base. I had a feeling this might turn out bad, the first guy frequents there as do the brothers. So C got in the door first and scoped the bar. She turns and says "I'm clear!" And turns back and says "oh, you're not." YUP he was there. Lemme tell you a little something about him. He's very ominuous. Well, he sees me walk in with J and he's not too happy about it. I'm sorry, where was it written that I am dating only you? Didn't think so. Well, he stares J down. Fun. We all (C, boyfriend, me and J) go outside.He is out there. Great. He wants to talk to me. Even better. I decided why not, might as well calm this situation now. He starts telling me how he has these feelings for me, and it pissed him off seeing me walk in there with another guy. Oh, and he wanted to put his fist through J's jaw. Great. The best I could manage was "hit him and I am done, for good." He tells me "no promises." Good fun. lol. Have I ever mentioned how awesome my friends are? Boyfriend actually took me aside and told me to stick with J. That the other is no good and just drama. I noticed. But really, this was the first day I met the boyfriend, so for him to take me aside like that was huge to me. Anyways, the whole bar was trying to calm him down and not let him fight. And there were some amazing people talking to me that night. Of course none better than C who played referee all night. But we all had fun. At the end of the night, I was dancing (a little intoxicated) and he comes up to me. "Let's talk." No. I am dancing. "Come here let's talk." No I am dancing. "Its now or never." NO! I am dancing. Of course I pissed him off. He walks away, as I am watching him stare J down. And then I see a rush of people follow him out to smoke. Hmmm... Later after I was done dancing, he comes up to me and says
What you just did shows me a lot. Don't call me, don't text me, don't talk to me." I looked him square in the eye and said "no problem, I'm done." And walked away.

I do feel bad for doing it so meanly. But at the same time, dude is nothing but dramaaaa. And J is an amazing guy and I look forward to getting to know him better.

I'll write later on last night, but I'm about to get off work. Oh and did I mention I have bronchitis?

What a slow weekend looks like

I feel like I had a slow weekend. But it wasn't. Maybe it was just slow in the definition of men. I managed to dance with not one, but two 19 year olds (it was a favor to someone!). One of those 19 year olds being a midget. Okay, he wasn't a midget. But he was like 5'4". I'm not a short girl. I am about 5'11"- you do the math.
I also managed to stand around and look like a damn idiot while all my friends were asked to dance. That's a huge confidence boost, let me tell ya. NOT. Fuck. What is going on? I managed to find two really hot guys. Only to discover about a half hour later- THEY HAD X's! Wth?
So lemme start with Friday. K was willing to DD for me. Awesome. Love that girl. Got to the bar. Met up with C who was having drama. So we went to the bar. SoCo shots it is. Now I don't usually do shots. But when I do, I am a champ... Getting up for work was not fun. I was sick until about 5:30 on Saturday.



Saturday I was 100% sober. I wanted NOTHING to do with alcohol. I still don't. I actually had to think twice about going out that night. I learned a few new dances which I am totally proud of. Now onto some pictures...

Needless to say, I don't plan on drinking until May. Even though that's a lie. I don't really want to repeat Friday night/Saturday morning over again. Unless I don't have to work. So we'll see, right?

This made my week

I'm not one of those girls who will believe anything a guy tells her. Let me start there.
Last night I was out with Cyndi and Sarah. We were all in bad moods. Sarah had every reason to be. Cyndi did too. Me, not really. I think theirs just rubbed off on me. I had a moment when all I needed to do was seethe. So I walked out with Cyndi and took a cigarette. No I am not a smoker. I smoke when I drink. I wasn't drinking. I just needed to relax. There were these two guys standing next to us, but it wasn't anything, they just happened to be there. I was talking to Cyndi and moving my arms to talk and I flung my arms back, and sure enough- burned some guys hand. I felt like the biggest asshat (yes the word is actually relevent here)around. I made sure the guy was okay, and when he talked he had a Brittish accent. We thought he was faking. Turns out the two guys standing next to us were with him. He starts talking to his friend about the girl that burnt him (while standing next to me mind you). His friend had an Irish accent. We totally thought they were faking. Asked them all sorts of questions, including "why are you in America, and at the Stampede?" They told us they were in the British Navy and here for 2 weeks for a sky diving class. Bull shit. We let them know that we 100% believed that they were lying to us and that their accents were fake. But we still talked to them, they were cute.

After a while, I decided the lie was getting old and asked to see an ID to prove that they weren't from America. Damn. "British Royal Navy" was all I saw at first. Shit. They were telling the truth. That made them all the cuter. So we get to talkin. I bullshit Owen, the guy from Ireland. We were talking about Irish heritage. I Tell him that I have the most Irish name of Cyndi and Sarah. I do. Legally. Then Sarah told him not to believe me and it was my divorced name lol. True. But then I say but my first name is Colleen. Nothing makes me smile more than an Irish man telling me "Thats a good Irish name." I kinda felt like saying "well no shit." But I didn't. An American girl with an Irish name like the (it means literally "Irish Girl").

We were all out talking. And Sarah comes in to tell us that "God Bless Texas" is on. Gotta dance. Shit. The boys. So we invite them in and tell them we will teach them to dance. They took us up on it. But when we got in the song was over. Another song came on. I didn't know this one. Owen, Alex (the british guy) and I tried to learn it. I think I heard "This isn't dancing" over and over. lol.

They are in town for 2 weeks, so I told them they had to come back next weekend. We'll see if they do. But either way, I met a handful of guys (we met more later on) from the British Royal Navy. All because I burnt one with a cigarette.

I feel weird.

For the last two-ish years of my life I have tried to rush through. Every day was 1 day gone, every week was another week down. Just to get to the end of a deployment. And I've found that, once you've changed the way you life your life so dramatically, its hard to go back. I don't even remember how I used to live, when I didn't hurry up and rush. During deployments I would use PostSecret to get through the week. Every Saturday night/ Sunday morning I would head over and look at the new secrets. It felt like ahh another week done. And it was an accomplishment. Last night I checked PostSecret and it was weird to me.
I have these realizations every now and then. Its like oh yea, Chris is gone. I had that last night looking at PostSecret. Only this time, it was "you're not rushing to get through a deployment, you now have to live life alone." I felt so weird about it all. Logically, I know he's gone. I know our marriage is over. And I'm totally fine with that. But its just the little things I used to do while waiting, and I need to get used to that. Reading PostSecret now is just that, reading PostSecret. Watching Grey's is just that. Life has become an endless cycle and no more rushing. And, honestly... I'm not sure what to do with that.

Grown Up Lessons Weekend 2

Its called going out and having fun.
I've never really been the go out kinda girl. I'm the girl you take home to mom (though a few people may beg to differ after this weekend).
Let me start this post with a personal message. The person this is to (if she reads this, and I'm sure she will) knows who its to. I knew that there was a chance I would see you there, and I dealt with that in advance. Yes I saw you. Like you said we coulda made drama about it all, but instead we just let it all go. Its not worth ruining our nights because we had a falling out. It happens. I was having a good time, just as it seemed you were too.
Now that the word vomit and conscious are out of the way...
I had plans to go out on Friday night with some people, but unfortunately that fell through. So I was invited to go to Stampede with some girls from high school that I literally have not seen since high school. But the funny thing is we were pretty decent friends back then. I talked to Stef and she decided she would come with me, even if she HATED country (PS Stef I really owe you, thank you!). So we get ready and go to dinner and then end up at Stampede. I saw Sarah first thing when I walked in. Sarah was the birthday girl and one of my friends from high school that I was talking about. We found the rest of the girls that were with her and I was introduced to those I didn't know and I went to get a drink. It took sometime before I knew a dance to actually dance to. And when I went out there it alllll came flooding back. I knew how to do this! lol.
Cyndi and Sarah kinda know like everyone there, so I was being introduced to people left and right. It was fun. But let's just suffice it to say I kinda made myself known a little bit that first night as far as someone I was... spending time with? ... oops.
Cyndi texted me yesterday (Saturday) and said she wanted to go out, but since Sarah had her birthday dinner she couldn't go. I said lets go ahead and go, I live like a mile from there, she could crash at my place and I'll drive. So back we go. A little less eventful in the way of seeing people I didn't plan on seeing, but a fun night all together. I met more people, which I have a feeling I will be meeting more in the trips to come lol. I've slowly learned to step out and not be so painfully shy at first. I was in full on bitch mode last night. And as much as I would love to tell you the stories, idk who is going to stumble upon my blog, so ask me and I will tell you the story personally. Lets just say that I've learned to get my way :)
Slow music started to play and sadly for me, it was "Fall" by Clay Walker. That song breaks my heart. There is no reason really. Okay I lied there is. The first time I went to Stampede like last summer, some random guy came up to me and asked me to dance. I wasn't really comfortable with that since I was married and all. Well the song was "Fall." And it just got me really sad with Chris being gone at the time and all. So, for whatever reason, that song has a special place in my heart. Even now, after the divorce? idk.. So anyways Fall comes on. And this guy we were hanging out with asks Cyndi to dance. And there's no way anyone could know about this song, because this is the first time I have ever even told the story. So needless to say, I was stuck being sad to this song again. But I survived. Long enough to have him come ask me to dance after that. It was worth the wait. That's all I'm saying.
I had two other guys come up to me last night and ask me to dance. Cyndi and I concluded they were part of a rodeo. They weren't marines (which is usually the first instinct when there is a group of guys at a bar in san diego area) and they had on some rodeo jackets. Idk? And we two-stepped. I wish someone had a video camera. I sooo didn't know what the hell I was doing. And I knew the basic steps, but then the first one caught on that I knew what I was doing-ish and said that he was gonna complicate it. He started adding spins and twirls and dips and my two left feet kicked in. But I was cracking up the whole time cause I knew I looked ri-damn-diculous and I didn't care because I was out there and having fun lol.
It was a good weekend. I learned a few things (which is totally how I wanna start ending my posts)
1. I need to stop being so painfully shy
2. The line "Here's my number call me when your sober" is a good way to weed through the men.
3. Even though your shoes are cute, they will probably hurt.
4. Get to the bar early enough and even the DD can have a drink or two.
5. When its line dancing, even I can pull it off :)

Grown Up Lessons

I went out last night. I've been out before. But as Colleen C. The married girl. But last night for the first time it was Colleen P. The unmarried and single. I didn't want to go out originally. But Stef talked me into it. We went to a bar in my hometown to watch her dad's band (I've been watching her dad play since like 7th grade!). Stef is a dance teacher so being with her just made me look good. Even though I can't dance and its taken her 13 years to get me on a dance floor (I can't believe I am old enough to know someone for 13 years lol)!
I have a new rule. If you went to high school with my older brother. If I can show you a picture of his baby and you tell me how much he looks like my brother, we have no future. You're too old. Okay no you're not too old. But you knew my brother when he was nerdy. And thats slightly uncomfortable for me. There's not really gonna be much there.
I had a completely sober night. I had to work this morning. Booo. I coulda gotten drunk but thats not the point.
It was fun to just get out there and be an adult and figure out how the crazy grown up world works!